Daylight Savings Hastens Climate Change

Countries who previously introduced daylight savings as a hedge against economic woes are now paying the price for their greed. What began as a clever bureaucratic trick to stretch working hours has spiraled into an absolute environmental disaster.

Background

The mutual trading of daylight between countries first began in 1987 as a means of alleviating harsh weather conditions. During severe heat waves, nations could easily deposit their excess daylight at the Global Solar Exchange. From there, brokers would trade the surplus with countries encountering a brutal winter.

Scientists originally experimented with the transmission of daylight using geostationary communications satellites as early as 1978. Unfortunately, the intense heat generated during the process generally destroyed the satellites. However, in 1982, an unexpected partnership with a team of cosmetics researchers produced a massive breakthrough. Although the precise details of this new approach remain strictly proprietary, industry experts believe it relies on the unique molecular structure of an SP32+ lip gloss.

Scientific Skepticism vs. Global Ratification

With diplomatic success came immediate public outrage. Members of various weather monitoring authorities quickly surmised that the constant continental drift of daylight would confuse local ecosystems and cause the polar caps to melt.

Despite these warnings, global leaders dismissed their concerns. The scientific community presumed that a hole in the ozone layer, then only the size of a pea, was a much more plausible reason for a polar meltdown. Consequently, international bodies ratified the technology and expanded the trading floor.

The Wise Crack Of Dawn Incident

The entire system collapsed during a recent Christmas Day raid. A terrorist illuminati group calling themselves the Wise Crack Of Dawn successfully siphoned off most of the global daylight stockpile. They rapidly routed the stolen energy to a rogue satellite, which they strategically placed directly over that once pea-sized hole.

Then, in a frightening turn of events, the non-lip-gloss-impregnated satellite became sentient and completely enlightened. The rogue machine lost track of its original parameters and immediately deposited the daylight where it deemed the need was most apparent: the opposing poles of the planet. A terrifying raft of permanent meteorological changes has since ensued, leaving global climate models in absolute chaos.