Do not Evacuate the Building

A surreal riff on missing cars, stolen goods, and spellcheck tyranny. This post explores mediocrity, semantics, and Scottish-accented warnings — where the Department of Lost Objects files complaints against the Ministry of Misplaced Meaning. Expect memos written in invisible ink, forms that self-destruct upon completion, and a stern voicemail from a Glaswegian AI reminding you that “compliance is a feeling, not a fact.”

“Do not evacuate the building – this is only a test.” That is what would come over the PA in the brown building in East Perth. It always played in a heavy Scottish accent around ten am on Wednesdays, or thereabouts.

The Case of the Missing Car

So, my car went missing today. I parked it on Sunday in the usual spot, just as I have done for the last three months. However, it is simply not there now. They always say you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. Well, they also said the world was flat.

To be honest, I don’t miss it yet. The whole vehicle was really just an expensive exercise in proving that parking isn’t free. (I should point out that the spell checker forced me to include an apostrophe in a number of places here).

Semantics and Stolen Goods

Just in case you think I’m worth less than two cents on the dollar, the consensus of the mental health experts is that I’m merely ‘malingering.’ Apparently, they believe there is a malingering bone somewhere in my skeletal frame. But let us not get hung up on semantics.

Consequently, I don’t miss the car itself. However, there were stolen goods in the boot. Well, when I say stolen, I mean that if the car was stolen, then there is a natural follow-on effect to the goods inscribed inside. In particular, it held a guitar, an amp, and a socket set that survived Sherlock River. But that is another story entirely.

Embracing Mediocrity

To cut a long story short: mediocrity. If you can manage to be completely mediocre, you can easily succeed in a civilized version of life.

So, remember: ‘Do not evacuate the building – This is only a test.’

PS: I also had to capitalize a lot of proper nouns with “Z’s” just to satisfy the aggressive spell checker. Language, who needs it? Meanwhile, people still go hungry! Wtf! Someone has officially outwitted themselves.